Wish you were here

"I've seen your act and I know all the facts I'm still in love with who I wish you were, but it ain't hard to see who you are underneath, I'm still in love with who I wish you were, I wish you were here" - Kate Voegele - Wish you were here

I spoke to him (guy friend, will call him F from now on) today on msn. I texted F yesterday because I hadn't heard from him in a few days and I was worried. In the text I only asked if he was ok and said if he gave me his new address (he hasn't moved recently, I just don't know where he lives since 4 years ago!) I would send him a Christmas card. He gets weird about Christmas though because he doesn't like his family much, so F texted back telling me not to worry about a card. I'm a bit disappointed because I wanted to send F a card, it would've been more for me than him though. I came online and F said 'yay'. I asked why yay and he said he was pleased to see me. We talked for a bit then I decided to ask why he was pleased to see/speak to me. F said that was a hard question and he wasn't sure, he said he was but didn't think about why. Then about ten minutes later, F said he'd had a think about it and said it was probably because in his opinion I'm a good person and he feels pretty lucky to know me. I said good, he should feel that way! We talked a bit more then he said he was going and that he probably wouldn't get to speak to me again before I went on holiday on monday so he wished me a nice break. I said good bye, good night and miss me and F said ok.

I realise I sound about 13 with the talking over msn stuff but it's nice because it reminds me of our old relationship/friendship when we were younger. He says things to me now that he never would have said back then, such as the feeling lucky to know me etc. I don't know if he will ever see me romantically again, I'm not going to wait around for a year like last time. If I meet someone I'll still go for it because there's no point waiting for F to want to be with me again when it probably wouldn't even work out. Damn I'd still like to try though!

Damn that boy can make me cry-e-i-e-i-e-i, it's so outrageous

I received a text this morning that made me cry. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to convince my guy friend to go to his GP because he appears depressed. He made an appointment last week after we spoke and is now on a course of anti-depressants. I've been at work all week and haven't heard much from him so have been a bit worried about him. It's so difficult because he sometimes says things to me that ring alarm bells such as wanting to go to sleep and not wake up, my suicidal patients say things like that. I have been trying to support him but sometimes it feels so draining when it's what I'm doing all week with my patients as well. At least with my patients I know they're in a safe place, but with him it's harder because I care so much for him and I don't know what he'd do and I feel a bit powerless to stop it from happening no matter how hard I try.

I texted him last night asking how he was and said it felt like we hadn't spoken all week. I get delivery reports on my phone so I know when he receives the text. I got mildly worried last night because I didn't get a report but I know he sometimes goes to bed early and my phone has been playing up lately. I woke up earlier and turned on my phone waiting for a report because then even if I didn't get a reply, at least I knew he was okay. I received the report and a reply from him. What he said made me burst into tears. In the text he said 'one day you will make a guy very happy, you're such a sweetheart'. I cried out of a mixture of relief and not realising how much I cared for him. I felt like telling him I wanted to make him happy and that I love him, but I know that's selfish of me to say. I can't put that on him when he's like this. He needs to focus on himself right now. Saying anything to him would only be for my benefit. He just needs a friend and nothing else. Or maybe he does like me but thinks he's too screwed up right now for me to want to be with him. Either way he's not in the right place.

I realise my posts must get confusing. It would just be so much easier to be with someone uncomplicated.

Quel surprise

I have been quite contemplative lately thinking about previous relationships since having to see my ex and due to a few songs about. I think it's a good thing I'm still single. I think if I would have met someone before now I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship, still not sure if I am now, and it would've been forced. I feel next to no emotional attachment to my ex or the relationship we had together and I believe I've felt that way for some time. When you're not ready for a relationship, everyone assumes it's because you're not over your ex but that's not always the case. For me and for most people I'd think, it's getting over trusting someone you believed wasn't there to hurt you. You try not to think of what will happen if it ends when you're starting a new relationship. Every time a relationship doesn't work out, I lose a little more faith in them. One of my best friends has had her heart broken twice (in a very similar fashion) but she still managed to maintain her faith that it won't always end that way, she said she even felt a bit of comfort when it happened the second time because she knew what to expect. It must take a lot of courage to start another relationship after those experiences, but she did and I have no idea how she managed it.

Anyway I'm going off track as per usual... The song I can really relate to right now is To Love Again by Alesha Dixon (minus the guy to give me hope!). It makes me cry. I never really cried over my break up when it happened, it was such a confusing mix of emotions at the time I wouldn't have known what I was upset about and I think the death of my grandad certainly made the break up seem insignificant and petty in comparison. I think I've been trying to think about my break up and to make myself cry about the loss of a relationship that I once thought would be forever. I don't miss my ex or our relationship, I miss the companionship and the guaranteed weekend plans and dates to things. It still hurts to realise that although I don't think I really loved my ex, I thought he was in love with me because he would tell me so, but now I see his actions said otherwise. My friends partners want to get involved with my friends family and go with them to occasions to support them. My ex never wanted to do that and while the things he said told me he wanted me to be a permanent fixture in his life, his actions of wanting to keep me separate from his friends and family strongly suggested he didn't. I still feel mildly angry with myself for letting him get away with that! I've always imagined boyfriends to get on with my family and friends or to at least make a serious effort with them, you should want to do that if you love someone. I always want to do that, even though I'm terrified of meeting the parents, fearing their opinion of me will affect their son's.

I have moaned before about not having had any romantic involvement with men since my break up but I'm going to admit I know that's all down to me. I'm not ready for a relationship because I haven't met someone I want to let the walls down for. I haven't been on any dates because I haven't let anyone in and have given them the cold shoulder to push them away and avoid the risk of hurt. I've made excuses for approaching anyone I've found attractive and only been able to be really attracted to those who are unavailable because I know it's safe. I know I will get past this and there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way. I cannot expect any man to fight past my hostility in order to get to my heart. The walls will come down by themselves when I am ready or when I meet someone I want to let in.

And I'm thinking of positive reasons to be single. For starters I don't have to worry about finding them a special gift for Christmas and worrying if it's too special or not special enough for what they'd be getting me and how it would make their gift for me look. I don't have to be a horrible cliche of being a couple holding hands and walking slowly while Christmas shopping and generally getting in the way of everyone else (well there's always one about isn't there?!). I shave my legs when I want to and it feels so much better to let them grow a bit and then reveal silky smooth legs so I get to appreciate them again. I don't have to mess around spending time with them on my days off when I'm too tired to do anything for myself let alone anyone else! I don't have to consider another person in my decision making (if I want to start a French course, I don't have to consider the time I won't get to spend with someone for the nights it takes me away). Guilt free perving on attractive men!

I'm going to try my hardest to stop thinking I should be with someone. I don't need to be in a relationship, it's not the be all and end all.

Ok I'll shut up now (I do actually want to do that French course by the way, I have plans to refresh my French, become fluent and move to Canada where said language would be tres useful).

The bitch that broke his heart?

Well I had my graduation ceremony yesterday. I actually qualified last year but my uni is weird and so we had to graduate a year later. It was a bit of a disappointment. I was hoping the people on my course would want to do group photos or go for a drink after seeing as we haven't seen in each other in almost a year but they all went off with their families as soon as the ceremony finished. I had to see my ex as well and it was a bit awkward as we were sitting next to each other in the seating order. He stank of smoke where he started smoking again after we broke up, no doubt his mother blames me for that because it's never her precious spoiled son's fault!

After the ceremony finished and I was looking for my family, someone said hello to me and I looked at them and realised it was my ex's dad with my ex and his mum. His dad just spoke to me briefly about where I was working now and wished me luck in the future which was nice of him. While he was talking to me, my ex and his mum just stood there awkwardly ignoring me so I get the feeling his mum may just think of me as a bitch who broke her son's heart. It would not surprise me in the least if she did think that because he is the type of guy who would say bull shit things about me to stop his family from asking about it! My parents reaction to seeing my ex was quite funny from what they told me, they saw him and my ex nodded and my mum said 'oh that's whatshisface'. He clearly made that much of an impression on my mum after we were together for over 2 years for her to blank on his name!

Oh well at least I didn't trip on the stage!

I do

Well I believe I do actually like him but I feel I shouldn't. He is annoying because he's so confusing and it always feels like he's holding something back. I wish he was like a normal person but I probably wouldn't like him half as much if he was. I've always liked things that are weird and unusual and always invested more into unrequited love than requited. It probably stems from low self esteem and the whole not being good enough to be loved or something, at least I would believe that if it weren't for the fact I love a challenge.

Anyway back to him, he is confusing me. I get the feeling he likes me but I can't be sure. The things he says and the way he reacts, but maybe I'm just reading too much into it. He said 'sleep well bug' last night so I asked what he meant by bug. He said it was short for bed bug and he thought it could be a cute nickname for me. Am I wrong or is that an odd nickname to call a platonic friend when you've likened it to being a cute nickname? I teased him and said that means he thinks about me in bed (as a way to gauge his feelings for me, if any) and he didn't confirm nor deny, just said 'well you are going to bed'. I gave him a nickname after that because he'd been annoying and when he signed into msn earlier he had the nickname as his screen name. I asked if that was for my benefit and he said yes.

Maybe I'm just being stupid but it's tiny little things like that that make me think he likes me a little more than just a friend. I don't know how he is with his other female friends. I just remember it was a slow builder before and little things like that so I don't know if he's always like that or not. He is a conundrum.

Once again am I lonely or do I genuinely like him?

I do like to confuse myself and probably everyone else too. I posted yesterday that I should forget about my guy friend who I almost got together with all those years ago. He does annoy me at times too but I always forgive him for it and accept that's just part of his insane personality. So when I met up with him yesterday I felt almost a bit mad at him but after spending time with him I forget it completely. We had to cross a few busy roads and as he's going to cross he reaches his hand out behind him towards me each time but never actually grabs my hand. I was always too far away for him to be able to reach me so I don't know what would have happened if I had actually been close enough. I think he was just doing it from a safety point of view and I said 'aww you're acting like a dad' and then he told me his boss suggested he be the health and safety officer for his office. I doubt he was actually reaching out for me, it was probably just a we'll cross the road now it's safe sort of gesture. Each time I saw his hand I was hesitant because even though I do like him I wouldn't want to go to hold his hand and have him turn round to say 'what are you doing, I only meant follow me'. Also if he doesn't like me, holding hands with a girl could just be a friendly thing for him. So basically either way I look at it I am facing rejection. And if I did go to hold his hand I wouldn't know when to let it go without it seeming weird. And the other thing is I wasn't feeling well so didn't want to get too close. I sound like a bloody teenager!

When we got to the fireworks I was thirsty, what with having to breathe through my mouth because of my blocked nose. We were having a look around and I was trying to see if they were selling bottles of water but it didn't look like they were. He asked if I was getting anything and I told him I was trying to see if they had water. He then produced a bottle of water from his bag and told me I could have that if I wanted. I pointed out to him that if I drank from it he wouldn't be able to or he'd catch what I had and he said that was ok I could have all of it as long as I gave the bottle back because he was reusing them. I was thirsty but I didn't want to drink that much and said I'd feel bad if I had any because he'd brought it with him. I only really had a sip in the end (because I always need to wee more often when I'm ill and did not fancy trying out the portable toilets) which did make me feel bad. After I'd had some I said the only trouble is now I'd have to carry it all night and he said I could put it back in his bag. My ex would never do that, he was always of the mind that once it's yours you have to carry it so he would've made me carry around that bottle all night! I think that's where I get confused, I don't understand guys being nice to me even though it's a gentlemanly act rather than an act out of affection. My ex wasn't really that nice to me so I find it a nice surprise whenever someone does something my ex wouldn't!

After the fireworks had finished I asked him what was his favourite kind of firework, he didn't really tell me in the end. I told him I go to firework displays for research purposes because I pick out the ones I like because I'd like fireworks at my wedding (but only ones me and the groom like, not the boring ones). I said that because he's a guy he probably doesn't imagine getting married or what his wedding would be like. He said no but then told me the places he'd picture himself getting married and then said he didn't know why he'd said he hadn't thought about it when obviously he had to have that answer!

He was getting the train back so we walked back towards the train station then as we got closer I asked if he was going to go home and if he wanted to say bye there as my car was parked in the other direction. He said ok so I thought he meant we say bye there and then he started to walk towards where my car was parked. We got to my car and I thought we would just say bye and he'd go straight away but he waited for me to drive off, he said it was to make sure I got out ok. Before I got in my car and we said bye I said we never hug so I opened my arms and gave him a hug and he hugged me back. It was nice (I sound like a school girl again!). He told me he would probably be online when he got back, not necessary to tell me but I suppose maybe a way of telling me he would talk to me if I was online at the same time.

When I got home he was online so we talked for a while. I thanked him for coming to the fireworks with me and he apologised that I had to go with him and that it's probably not how I'm used to seeing them. I told him I'd only been to these particular fireworks a few times before so wasn't really used to or expecting to see them in a particular way or with a particular person and that I was glad he'd gone with me. He sent me a picture of what he'd described his wedding to be like and I said 'aww you even have a picture, no you haven't thought about it at all ;)'. He said he'd only looked it up then and was just showing me as an example. A bit later he said when he has sorted himself out I could come over and see his place and watch a non scary film. He said he would say he'd cook for me but he doubted I would eat it anyway. True as I am a fussy eater so I said we could order a takeaway! I said I was glad he said a non scary film and he said he bet I was. He knows I hate scary films and avoid them like the plague, but before he always used to try to make me watch them! He told me a while ago that he doesn't invite that many people round to his place so him saying that makes me feel a bit special being part of the select few! Also when we used to watch films in his bedroom when we were teenagers we used to cuddle so makes me wonder if it's entirely platonic. From an outsiders point of view it sounds almost romantic what with the film and the sort of offer to cook but I honestly don't know how he sees me and I don't want to ask him!

Even though I felt ill last night I still thought about wanting to kiss him. Wow I'm tragic, I always want what I can't have.

I'm a bit afraid to tell him how I think I feel in case a) he doesn't like me back and b) I only like him because I'm lonely.

I have rambled on for long enough so I will shut up now.

Danni Minogue is right

I didn't get to play badminton yesterday because when he tried to book a court they said they're in use for something over the next few days. I suggested we go bowling instead but he said he didn't think bowling really worked with 2 people as it's more of a group thing. Ok bowling can be more fun in a group but it does work with 2 people and I was thinking along the lines of it still being a game you play against another person... Then I thought of shopping and eating but he didn't seem keen on that either so we didn't meet up yesterday and kept the plans for tonight instead.

Turns out it was a good thing that yesterday was cancelled because I didn't feel too great. Don't feel 100% today either but I'll still go out because I rarely let illness phase me! Plus as far as I'm concerned it's an artificial cold caused by my flu jabs the other day so I know it's not going to last like a normal flu/cold. Just feels like the end of the flu/cold so I'm hoping it will be gone very soon.

So I'm still going to the fireworks tonight, I'm quite happy about it because I like fireworks and I'd be a bit annoyed if I didn't do anything on my days off as they're quite rare. I'm so glad we're finally in November, I have annual leave to look forward to at the end of the month and the next month I have time off again to go to New York (yay) and in January I have another week off. Work isn't too bad now but for a while it was hectic all the time and I couldn't wait to get to November because I would have a week off each month for a few months. I'm on nights again this week which is also like a break in itself because the patients are mostly asleep and there's not much to do so it's generally more relaxing, unless there's a very unwell patient admitted during the night who then wakes everyone up...

Anyway about the title of this post... I caught the repeat of the Piers Morgan Danni Minogue interview the other night. She was talking about her failed marriage with Julian McMahon and she said when something like that happens it makes you question your instincts. I think it put how I feel into words and I think she's right. When you break up with someone you wonder why you didn't spot it from the beginning that it would end up like that.

With my ex when we first met I actually felt scared because I thought he was the one, he soon turned out to clearly not be 'the one'. We said we loved each other when we'd been together less than a month because we felt it. My love faded though and his continued. Why was that you may ask? Simply because I was myself from the beginning so I was always the person he'd said 'I love you' to, whereas he was someone different. I fell in love with the person I met, the person he was pretending to be, kind, considerate, passionate, but after a few more weeks I saw the real him starting to come through. And bit by bit his selfishness chipped away at the love I first had for him. We were together for over 2 years but I had doubt within the first 3 months, it's complicated why I stayed with him for so long when I didn't feel in love with him. I think I was hoping my feelings would change or that he would change back into the person I met even though I always knew nothing would change. We were best friends inside the relationship and I didn't want to hurt him as well.

I do feel a bit stupid for wasting so much of my time on him. I wish I had split up with him as soon as I had my doubts. It's almost the opposite of what Danni said because I had the instinct it was wrong and ignored it but where was the instinct from the very beginning telling me he wasn't who he was pretending to be?! It does put me off future relationships because I feel like everyone is going to be putting on an act to draw someone in and once they have them, they will reveal their true colours. I want someone who is themselves from the beginning. That's the benefit of being friends first but even then people act differently in relationships.

It's so much easier to not care and not risk getting hurt. I think there will have to be someone really special come along before I can ignore the part of me that is trying to protect me from getting hurt again.

Although I do like the friend I'm meeting up with tonight, I don't know if it's really worth getting hurt all over again because he hurt me so many times last time. I don't want to be hanging on for him to make me his girlfriend like I was 4/5 years ago. I don't want him messing me around again. I think I'm kidding myself thinking he was/is the great love of my life and I was/am his. If he really wanted to be with me back then he only had to say because he knew how much I wanted him! I thought this time things would be different if we developed feelings for each other again but I think he only sees me a friend and that's what we're meant to be. I'm not ruling it out but I know if anything did happen it would be a mistake and never work out because of how he is. He's not the kind of person I say myself ending up with but he is the only one to really get under my skin.

All I can hope for is that this new guy at work starts soon and I can get to know him, if he has a girlfriend, he might have friends... And if he is single with us working together I get to know him gradually. I'm going to have to develop my roving eye again, it's disappeared lately. If I can find a worthy crush I can stop developing feelings for my friend.

Back the instincts thing. My instincts are currently wrong because I keep thinking taken guys are single. I should know better than that because whenever I feel comfortable around a guy it's because they have a girlfriend and I know there's nothing to worry about! The single ones are threatening and send me running to the hills. Must tune up instincts. Maybe I should get a self help book on relationships or would that just make me a bit of a loser...