Oops I Did It Again

2012

2012-01-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

So another year gone and a new year begins... Let's face it on the whole 2011 was a crap year for me. I've lost count of the number of times I cried at work from stress. There were a lot of good things that happened too but the work thing totally eclipses it which is a shame. Work should not be a person's whole life and should not affect their personal life or make them feel down. 2011 another year of being single and not a single viable option but a few snogs.

So new years resolutions...

1. Get a new job

2. Don't let the bastards get me down

3. Take better care of myself

4. Enjoy myself more and let my hair down

And maybe, just maybe find a man...

Stripes and unexpected compliments

2011-10-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

So I went out last night for a friend's birthday and some guy brought his friend. His friend wore a stripey top and I noticed him straight away. He looked pretty cute and interesting. We weren't introduced though which is a shame. He seemed to notice me too or could have just been giving eye contact as I was looking at him. It's a shame I had to leave early with my friends too as I would have liked to have spoken to him. He gave me eye contact as I was saying bye to everyone and I was getting good vibes from him. I was tempted to go up and say 'I don't know you but feel I should say bye to you' and give him a hug. I wish I had. I'm thinking about contacting the guy who brought him to ask about him and to tell him to bring him with him again next time...

I was speaking to F earlier, he had been drinking which tends to make him a bit flirty. He said the guy from school (in previous post who came on to me) didn't know who I was before. F then said he likes it when people don't recognise him from school because it means he doesn't have to talk to the people he didn't like. I said I would like to not be recognised in a good way in that I look better and that's why they don't know who I am. F said 'you do look better'. I said 'thanks but I wasn't fishing for compliments'. He went on to say 'I think you're more attractive now than before' and then ended the conversation. Odd but I don't think he meant anything by it.

Like buses, that don't actually go anywhere...

2011-10-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have had a stressful week at work so when I got invited out friday night I jumped at the chance despite feeling very tired. We ended up going to a pub, one that none of us had been to before and had a bit of an old man vibe but it turned out okay. I saw a guy I went to school with who told me I was looking good and he wished he'd known me then. He asked if he could add me on facebook to which I said yes. He also asked if he could take me to lunch sometime to which I said maybe. I was talking to him for a while as my friend left me and sat down with the others, but we were standing in full view of the others.

The guy from before who had a girlfriend but led me on all night then did nothing was there. His eyes went wide when I had got there like he was pleased to see me but he didn't come over to say hi and I didn't go over to speak to him because I've felt awkward since he acted like a player. While I was speaking to the guy from school, player left and had asked my friends to say bye to me from him. My friends rightly said why not say bye to her yourself (seeing as I was nearby) and player said because I was speaking to that guy.

The next day (yesterday) player told my friends he was put out I had blanked him. He is now single. I hadn't spoken to him but we don't really know each other anyway and he hadn't come over to say hi to me or my friends who know him better than I do. It seems he likes girls chasing after him. But I agreed for my friends to pass on my number if he wants it. I felt like I had made a fool of myself when I practically threw myself at him thinking he was single but at least the connection felt real and his reaction to friday suggests he did actually like me too.

It is now Sunday. I have not been added on facebook by guy from school or heard anything from player (but don't know officially if he accepted my number). Guy from school I will give until tuesday and then add him as he may have thought I wasn't interested when he was being overly keen. Player I will see again at some point anyway and see what happens then.

Why does it hurt if I was never even sure I loved him?

2011-10-10T03:08:00.000-07:00

This morning I stupidly decided to take a quick look at my ex's profile and saw his new girlfriend's profile picture of them looking at each other loved up. They both look happy. I was never even sure if I really loved him so why does it hurt?!

I'm so fed up of being alone but I know being in an unhappy relationship is worse than being alone.

Every time I meet someone new I try not to let myself get excited and then when I start to let my guard down to let them in, it never ends up going anywhere.

I went out a few weeks ago and met a guy who made me think 'wow have I just met The One?'. He seemed perfect. He told me I had beautiful eyes and described all the colours in them. He works with special needs children in a school and loves his job. He made me laugh. I felt almost instantly comfortable with him and we had a snog, which I don't normally do if I've only just met someone! When it came to saying goodbye, he said it was nice to meet me and that was it. He didn't ask for my number and I didn't give him mine as his friend had got my friend's number, so I figured if he wants to get in contact he has the opportunity. It's been 2 weeks and nothing so I guess it was one-sided.

I feel like I have no clue :(

Got to speak to him yesterday

2011-08-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

He came to work again yesterday. I went shy and after having thought about him all weekend I was disappointed he didn't seem to be what I had remembered in my head! Shallow, I know but I always do that. It might be stage fright too. I have been single for so long that although I can pick up on clues that a guy likes me and I have had crushes, I am completely clueless when it comes to interacting with someone I like.

So he turned up, I had to sign a delivery note and I signed it without saying a word or barely looking at him because I was now feeling unsure. Plus we were short staffed so I was trying to get everything done as quick as I could on my own. He then stood around for a bit, went to leave and then came back and asked me what something on his delivery note meant. It was something that I'm sure he would have seen before and if he really needed to know he could have asked at reception. I explained then he still kept talking to me for a few minutes about it before leaving. I kind of thought he was using it as an excuse to talk to me. I later told my male work colleague who I always go to for advice on blokes because he's good at giving me realistic ideas and a male perspective. As I started to tell him what had happened with delivery guy, he said he was using it as an excuse to talk to me but obviously not to read too much into it because it's probably that he's seen me a few times and wanted to talk to me.

So we will see. He didn't do any deliveries while I was there today but there's always tomorrow...

Eye contact

2011-07-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

I saw a guy I'd never seen before the other day but he looked a little like someone I know.

He delivers stuff to my work, there are a few who deliver but that was the first time I'd seen him.

I was in another room when he arrived, I looked out the doorway of the room I was in as someone called me and saw him in the office sideways on.

He looked a bit like someone I knew so I leaned myself out the doorway to look again, he looked interesting and then he looked back.

I think I saw him raise his eyebrows, like people do unconsciously when looking at someone for the first time that they find attractive.

I got embarrassed he'd caught me looking and leaned back in the room.

Then I stepped out and looked one more time and it felt like time slowed and we were standing fairly far away from each other face on just looking at each other.

I had to look away because I could feel the smile coming, the one you get when you see someone you find attractive and is automatic.

We had eye contact for what felt like a long time.

I got a feeling of a rush of fizziness inside me.

I suppose you could call it butterflies.

I don't think I've ever had that feeling with someone I have seen for the first time.

Normally it takes me a while to decide if I find them attractive.

But with him I felt it right away.

When I came out of the room after finishing what I had been doing, he was gone.

It was disappointing but we get these deliveries twice a day so I knew at least I would have to see him again eventually.

Then today he came to my work again.

I was in the office this time so got to see him closer up. I was stuck in a corner handing over to a doctor though so I couldn't move closer without looking obvious to everyone else. I gave him sneaky looks though and we got eye contact a few times. I felt the rush through my body again. I wasn't close enough to talk to him or hear his voice but we were effectively flirting with eye contact.

Hopefully I will see him again next week and actually be close enough to say hi to him.

The interesting thing is he's not that attractive but there's something about him that I find attractive.

Things

2011-07-24T10:14:00.001-07:00

Well I took the Avril pic from the previous post to the hairdresser to explain where I wanted the streak and she started to show me their pinks. I did say I was planning on a red but I went with the pink in the end which has been fun. The pink has faded very fast though but remains pink just paler, it was also a very subtle streak so I think a bit more for next time, possibly a mix of coloured streaks in my hair but probably not.

I am looking for a new job, hopefully a community job so I have guaranteed weekends and evenings which would make it a lot easier to plan things. Otherwise I will go for a ward job somewhere else, just anywhere but where I am now would be good. I think I stopped liking the job after the first 6 months but I have been there for 2 years!! I stayed because I liked the people I work with but now most of them are changing jobs so there isn't really anything to keep me there. Work shouldn't make a person so happy and limit their life so it is definitely time for a change.

I spoke to F the other day and found out his ex-girlfriend read a blog of mine from years ago, not on here but somewhere else. She read it after they had been split up for a few years but she thought he had slept with me while they were together from what she had read. I'm not sure how she interpreted it that way seeing as me and F have never slept together or even barely kissed despite the weird chemistry we have. F and his ex are best friends so she was really mad at him when she thought something had happened. I asked F if she knows I still talk to him now and he said for a while she would tell him she didn't like it when he talked about me but that he has mentioned me more recently and it has been okay. I told him that at times back then I had felt like he had been lining me up to be his next girlfriend and that wasn't fair on his ex. He admitted that he wasn't a nice guy back then which he hasn't really done before. That makes me feel a bit better.

Burn out

2011-06-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

Ah never mind about another catch up. But I did manage to get a drunken snog back in March.

A few things to discuss

Burn out

After being at my job for almost 2 years, I have experienced what is known to be 'burn out' which basically means stressed out from working too much!

I had a stressful shift which reduced me to tears several times during the shift, it was such a crappy shift! Then I had a few days off and I got a really bad cold/flu which resulted in me calling in sick for the first time since I've started working there. After a few days off and the worst of the cold/flu thing was over with I called fit to return for work. Then I went in dreading nothing had changed and felt like crying on the way there. Then I saw nothing had changed, a colleague greeted me and I burst into tears! Needless to say I was sent home and advised to see my GP. I saw my GP yesterday and have been given some time off until next week. The doctor didn't seem overly sympathetic and basically told me I need to have a holiday and am stuck in a rut. Right... Like I didn't know that already! But since I have been given this week, I feel more relaxed already and not worrying about work so hopefully it will do the trick.

Ex boyfriend

About a month ago I found out, thanks to facebook no less as it appeared unwanted on the newsfeed, that my ex boyfriend now has a new girlfriend... It made me feel weird, despite never wanting him back after the relationship ended. I had just about got my head around it then I found out it's not even a new relationship, it has been going on for a while and appears they live together and he makes her very happy. I have nothing against her and I do want him to be happy...

But I am a bit pissed off to be honest! First of all, she has a facial piercing which he used to tell me he didn't like, she has a tattoo which he said he didn't like on girls and so it held me back from getting one in case he didn't like it. She has obviously dyed hair in an unnatural colour i.e. the kind of red that isn't natural which again he told me he didn't like on girls because he liked natural looking girls. Don't get me wrong I think this girl looks pretty and the piercing, tattoo and hair only adds to that, but it makes me feel like he lied to me about what he liked. Yes I know we don't choose who we fall in love with and it can go completely against your 'type' but he used to list this things as turn offs!!!

And lastly he appears to do all sorts of things for her that he never did for me. It makes me feel like his love for me wasn't real and makes me question myself. Now I think as he's in a good relationship that I was the only reason our relationship didn't work. And him being in a relationship only serves to remind me that I am not and haven't even come close to that since our relationship ended. And I hate that it makes me feel this way. But maybe it will give me closure.

It also made me feel like deleting him as a friend on facebook, it's a shame we have mutual friends and it would look too obvious though. If I was going to delete him I should have done it ages ago before this happened, now it would be so blinking obvious as to why I was!

Players

Guys with girlfriends who go out with their mates and act single and lead girls on. I met a friend of a friend a few weeks ago and was told he was single. We were giving each other flirty looks all night, he danced with me and told other guys to back off. He moved me away from other guys who came near me. He acted in a way that something was going to happen between us. He walked me home and he offered me a piggy back (which I declined). As we walked he asked me questions about myself and from my experience the questions he asked are the kind a guy asks when they're interested in you. When I got to the door I thought we would kiss or swap numbers at least, but he just went to walk away (I hadn't thought it that odd at the time as he thought I fancied his brother so thought that was the reason he was being like that) so I flirtily said 'don't I even get a hug good bye?' so he said okay and gave me a hug then we said bye. I didn't ask for his number because he was a friend of a friend and figured if I didn't hear from him I could get in contact through them and would probably see him out and about again anyway. The next day I find out my friends had got it wrong, he wasn't single and has a girlfriend but he always acts that way when he's out apparently yet they don't think he would cheat on her. If I was his girlfriend I would not like him acting that way and leading girls on! I don't get why some guys do that.

Hair

I want to get a coloured streak put in my hair. At the moment I am an ash/dirty blonde with lighter blonde highlights. I'm thinking a peek-a-boo streak in dark red would be hot. Sort of like this but with red:

Update

2010-11-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

No-one reads this anyway but I haven't posted in ages so a quick update.

I saw F a week after my last post and told him about the working weekend where I had received attention from these 2 guys. F didn't like it and decided to remove himself from the equation because he did not want competition. Then he said our friendship was very superficial and decided to distance himself for a while. We still talk but not as often as before and we haven't met up since. All in all probably best nothing happened between us because despite the chemistry we would make a terrible couple and we are both very aware of that!

Work crush disappeared off the face of the earth, well suddenly stopped coming into work and that was a few months ago now. Rumour is he's on drugs. A shame because he seemed like such a good guy and could have really made something of himself at work. Still dodged a bullet there!

Things with Puppy progressed. We arranged a date after work, he stood me up. He made a card to say sorry, I forgave him and we went out for a drink. Then didn't hear from him for a while. Confronted him about never calling me but in a flirty/jokey way and he asked me out again. Asked me out a third time. Ended up going back to his and staying the night but no funny business, just snogs and cuddles. Then I didn't hear from him... Turns out he was only after sex from me despite all his eagerness in pursuing me! He thought I was too nice for him apparently. He never asked me out again but I still liked him. Then he got fired... When I heard, I wanted to call him but decided under the circumstances to leave it until I knew more.

So that was a quick catch up. (Also inbetween there was an instance of funny business with a guy at a wedding who turned out to be an arrogant prick and therefore not worth going into!) I must say I'm starting to think I jinx these blokes at work - first work crush disappears and then Puppy is fired! It's almost enough to put me off liking blokes at work, but not quite :)

As things currently stand I am still very much single. And there's a new man at work. More attractive than any of the previous. And has an accent. Only trouble is due to his attractiveness I am not the only admirer. Another woman at work spotted him at the same time and has made her feelings towards him clear to me and other colleagues. However this lady is a bit older than him and he is my age making him far more suitable for me(!). He appeared to eye us both up when he met us and a month or so on, he still looks at us both in the same way showing no obvious preference.

Due to knowing she liked him too and the fact she is usually very forward I thought I wouldn't stand a chance so I haven't paid him much attention. But I have since found out he is my age (as mentioned above) and that he isn't looking for a ready made family which he would get with the other woman because he feels it would be too much to take on. This other woman has been a lot more reserved than normal around this man and so she doesn't know much more about him than I do.

Usually when he is in the office all the women are watching and listening to him and paying him heaps of attention. I don't, I listen but get on with what I'm doing because it's not usually a conversation I can join in anyway, but because he is an attractive guy he's not used to a woman not paying him attention so I think that actually makes him notice me more. And the good thing is I'm not even playing a game because I am quiet and I'm only being myself. When I'm in the same room as him he looks at me curiously and in an interested way. My ex told me I stood out to him over the other girls because I was quiet, so maybe it's the same for this one. I may seem mysterious and intriguing to him. I would have thought he wouldn't have known my name due me not remembering ever telling him and for the fact it is easy to forget a person's name if you haven't spoken to them properly, but he asked me a work related question by name so he remembers my name which I take to be a positive sign.

He sat in on a meeting and was sitting near opposite me. At first he was looking in the direction of the other girl but then I kept noticing him looking my way and when I looked at him I would catch his eye and then he'd look away. At one point I could see out of the corner of my eye that his legs were wide open and his crotch was in my direction, I knew I would get caught looking by someone if not him so I didn't glance at his crotch despite really wanting to!!

From speaking to my other colleagues, they are routing for me to get with him over the other girl even though they all like her and have known her longer. I think they are too polite to say to her face but from what they tell me they think she has too much baggage for a guy his age.

He is coming to our work Christmas party (which the other girl is unable to attend) so I plan to try to get to know him a bit better then.

We'll see what happens. Probably nothing as per usual but it's worth a shot, hey?!

1, 2, 3!

2010-06-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

Okay and now there's three...

After my talk with F where we decided to see how we felt when we next meet up (now next week), I went into work and had a shift with work crush. Work guy wasn't weird and he seemed more together but I was still thinking about F. Then our work colleagues asked us both in front of each other if we were single which we both are, then they were trying to get him to ask me out. He said he wanted to get his life together first which is fair enough. They told him he should make a move on me now because I might not be available when he's sorted himself out! He did actually ask me out for a drink and he did seem genuine but as it was sort of forced I said he was only asking because they had forced him to. Everyone said no he wouldn't have asked if he didn't like me but still. If he were to ever ask me I would like it to be on his terms and his idea. He said he doesn't like set ups and he didn't really have the money right now to be able to take someone out. I'm not sure if it's the truth or excuses because I'm sure there are plenty of things you can do for free for a date nowadays, or maybe it was just embarrassment. Our colleagues left us alone to talk and he started to ask me when I broke up with my ex but before I answered we were interrupted and he didn't try to initiate a conversation after that.

Also that same day something interesting happened with someone else. There's a guy who works on another ward who I thought was quite attractive when I was a student nurse, so for 4 years I've thought he was a bit of alright, but he was obviously older than me then and we work on different wards so I never see or speak to him so kind of forgot about him. We had to sort something out so my colleague went to his ward to speak to this guy, before my colleague had a chance to return, the guy rang the ward and I answered. He had a bit of a flirty voice thing going on so I asked who it was and he wouldn't say, but he asked if we'd sorted out the problem so I assumed that was who my colleague had been with. Flirty phone guy told me I had a nice telephone voice. When my colleague returned I asked who he had been to see and he told me it was this guy (will call him Puppy because he reminds me of a cute over-excited animal!). Puppy rang the ward several more times that day, each time being a bit flirty and making excuses for me to go to his ward which I never did. He rang once and work crush answered and Puppy asked to speak to me, work crush asked who it was and Puppy said he was my nephew. I wondered who it was and it was Puppy asking me if I could work the next day on his ward even though I've not once done a shift there and he didn't ask if anyone else on my ward could work, just me. I told him I was already working the next day so he asked what shift I was working, I told him I was doing a late so he asked me if I could do an early and I said no. I asked colleagues if Puppy was like that with everyone and they didn't seem to think he was so I said I think he fancies me and they said they think I'm right.

Then the next day I had swapped my shift with someone and was actually working the early and I thought if Puppy rings he'll think I lied to him. He rang up near the start of the shift and when I answered he joked I had lied to him and that he thought we were friends. I told Puppy I hadn't lied but had swapped my shift. Every time the phone rang I was convinced it would be him and sort of hoped it would be... He didn't ring as much though because I think his ward was busy. One time he did ring and my colleague answered, Puppy wanted to borrow something from our ward, he could've tried the ward that was closest first, ours is 2 floors up from his! He came up to the ward and I thought he would go with my colleague to get the borrowing item but he came into the office with me and sort of nodded and said 'alright' and sat down. I felt a bit embarrassed because I do fancy him and it was easier to talk to him on the phone so I sort of tried to look like I was doing something. He saw something my colleague had left open on the computer and asked if it was mine and when I said no it was my colleagues, he didn't say anymore. I don't know if I put him off or if he's braver on the phone or what. When Puppy left my colleague asked if Puppy had told me he fancied me or spoken to me at all and when I told her what had happened, she seemed surprised and said she thought he would've at least spoken to me as he'd only come up here for me and I agreed. I found out he's 32, 8 years older but not a massive difference. I said he seemed like he goes for anything with a pulse and my colleague said he wasn't like that and not long broke up with a long term girlfriend. Puppy didn't ring the ward after that which I found disappointing but maybe he couldn't think of anymore excuses. I sort of hope he does like me which he clearly seemed to, and he continues to ring the ward for me. If he's on nights when I am he could come to the ward and talk to me properly.

I like how Puppy has come out of nowhere and been doing a lot in a short space of time to get my attention. I'm friends on facebook with a guy on his ward who has worked on mine quite a bit and I know from another colleague that a lot of guys on his ward have seen my pictures so most of the guys there know a lot more about me than I do about them. Puppy seemed to know me so I think he's seen my facebook profile too! I am tempted to add him as a friend but I think I will wait to see if he does anything more to try to get my attention first.

I don't know why I'm popular all of a sudden but I like it. I have been single for 2 years and I thought I wanted a relationship, but you know what I want now? To be taken out on dates and have these guys try to win my heart. I shouldn't have to do any chasing.

I like all three but Puppy definitely intrigues me the most...

...

2010-06-05T03:14:00.000-07:00

Spoke to F last night. We've agreed not to play games and to be nice if we go down this road again. I wanted to know where I stand but he couldn't give me a clear answer. But he did suggest when we next meet up we try not to let it be too awkward, see if we feel the same and check it's really what we both want. So that is the plan. We're seeing each other in about 10 days time. He's also suggested we sort of do things in reverse, as in talk up our negative qualities rather than the positive. I do agree in principle because at the start of a relationship people try to hide their negative qualities and put on an act only showing the positives that you fell for and you come to resent them for the person they turn out to be and you wonder what happened to the person you met. So while I do agree, I also think we know each other well enough that we're already aware of each other's negative qualities. The one's he listed I already know and the one's I said to him I know he already knows about. Trouble is we do know these negatives already but even if they were that bad that it would affect things down the line, you're still blinded when you enter into a relationship so I don't think it makes any difference. Plus how people act in a friendship can be be different to how they are in a relationship.

Oh well, we'll see what happens won't we?!

Gone a bit tits up but :)

2010-06-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in a month so a quick catch up.

Okay so basically things with work guy have been put on hold due to him being unprofessional and appearing secretive. I'm not going to let anything progress there without knowing what's going on. This would have really disappointed me except that...

Things with F have changed quite a bit. A few weeks ago he told me he fancied a girl at his work and that he should leave her alone because he's avoiding relationships. I told him I sometimes think of him as more than a friend and so the things he says and does hurt me. He then told me he'd asked out this girl (and later cancelled but that's besides the point) which really crushed me. I thought that if he was going to be with anyone once he finally got himself sorted out it would be with me as I've been the one who's been there for him through all of this. So I decided to avoid him for as long as I could as my feelings for him lessen when we have minimal contact. Seemed like a good plan and was going well except F kept trying to call me most nights and I pretended to be working so couldn't answer my phone. I decided to speak to him on sunday and we had a proper heart to heart.

F started off by telling my feelings for him weren't real and we both know it would never work. I cried and I told him how I really felt and had these feelings for a long time but that I hadn't wanted to tell him because he wasn't in the right place and had told me he was avoiding relationships. He told me he's not avoiding relationships anyway and is now open to them. He said the reason he was avoiding relationships at all was because he had feelings for me but because we'd only been speaking for a few months he didn't want to ruin things and thought it best to leave it alone. I thanked him for telling me as it made me feel like less of an idiot for building it all up in my head! He did tell me that because of his feelings for me it made him do something stupid in that he called up a girl he hadn't seen for a few months and tried to get together with her but it did go wrong. We examined our feelings for each other and got it all out in the open so there is nothing left to hide. I even told him that I'm with him I want to kiss him and that he feels like my boyfriend minus the physical side. In the end it was so easy to talk about and it felt really good that we'd shared it all. I told him that if he has feelings for me he should have made a move by now and he can't complain or become annoying if I get with anyone else because he'd had his chance all this time. I told him I had made a decision and was going to do what I wanted whether he likes me now or not.

I received an email for F that same night where he said 'I'll admit my feelings for you, may be beyond the standard call of friendship, but I don't want to ruin things between us again.' I told him he was annoying for saying that as it seems like he only wants me since I'd made a decision not to go there with him. But since then we've both been a bit flirty and he texted me monday night to say 'I know I'm annoying but I thought it might be nice for you to know that I keep thinking about you'. I texted back to say 'You're right you are annoying and of course you keep thinking about me, I'm awesome. It's up to you whether you decide to do anything about those thoughts.'

So to summarise. Me and F both have feelings for each other and are flirting and it's fun. I don't know if it will go anywhere but I've given him permission to try it on next time he sees me if he wants to. I've also suggested we try kissing each other to see if there's even any physical chemistry there to get it out of the way and to stop us wondering.

Last yum yum

2010-04-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

I meant to write about this when it happened because I wanted to remember it but never got round to it...

I had a good shift the other week with work guy. It was a night shift which means 10 whole hours with minimal work or people about so it's the best excuse to get to know colleagues better. But I was kind of shy and tired so I didn't really speak to him plus we were on with a colleague who likes to make jokes and wind people up and also a senior member of staff so we were never really alone so seemed difficult to talk to him without people reading into it. So the night started off pretty boring. He was doing stuff on the computer and kind of isolating himself from chit chat for the first half too so was awkward anyway.

He'd brought in some sweets with him called yum yums. He offered them around and I thought he meant the cakes (which are delicious) so I thought ooh but then saw they were chewy sweets so I said no thanks. He had some in his pocket and he got one out for me and said 'go on have one', and then I was like 'alright then' because of the way he did it. Later he was offering them around again and I accepted one then realised it was the last one and so of course I told him I felt bad and he should have it and he said 'you can have my last yum yum' like the old last rolo ad which was cute. I later needed some help with something that would be too heavy for me to lift so I asked him if he was any good at heavy lifting and he answered 'it's my speciality'. How cute is that when he looks quite weedy?! It was for a water cooler and I said at some point during the night we should do it and he asked if I wanted water now and I lied and said no and told him he didn't have to do it right there and then. I went off to do something else then saw he'd done it. But when he asked if it was because I wanted some water he said it in a way that meant he would do it right away for me so I could have water which was sweet.

We work in an old building and everyone always says it's haunted. We needed some photocopying done during the night and our colleague didn't want to go on her own so I went with her because the photocopier is located in a place that gives you the spooks during the day when it's deserted let alone at night! When we got back we started telling work guy ghost stories to try to scare him. He was saying he didn't believe in all that stuff then told us something that had happened to him that sounded pretty scary! He went outside to smoke so we tried to scare him by making noises out the window! When he came back he said he was going for a break and asked us to wake him up. I went to get him and when I opened the door he sat up and his hair was all messy, it was the cutest and hottest thing ever! He looked so damn yum and all I could think was damn wouldn't mind waking up next to that!

At the end of the shift we walked out together. Well truth be told I deliberately took my time waiting for him to leave so that we could walk out together. When I did it before ages ago, he seemed to know because he told me he had to go to the toilet as in don't worry about waiting for me but not in a I'm deliberately avoiding you way. So we walked out together the same way and I stopped at my car and he didn't walk off straight away, he stood still for a bit which was nice because it was like wanted to be there. He commented on my car and said 'aww is that your car'. The windscreen looked like it had frost on it so I went to touch the windscreen to check it was frost and he said 'aww your car's got frost on it'. Had anyone else said this I would think they're an idiot but coming from him it's like swoon. Then we said bye and he asked when I was working next. I wouldn't get to see him for a week or so as he had time off but we're working a few nights together this week which I'm looking forward to.

The night started off boring but I felt on a high by the end and I enjoyed spending time with him. I'd like to point out that prior to this night shift I had been crying every day whilst on my way to work over F because I was convinced I was in love with him and it was breaking my heart! However since that shift I've barely thought about F or cried once since then so clearly I don't love him, I was only fooling myself. Work guy made me forget out it and I've felt pretty happy since then and happier at work. It's amazing what a nice time with your crush can do for your mental health! :)

"I missed you"

2010-04-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

The day after my birthday F asked me if I wanted to go over to his place to hang out on Easter sunday and I said yes. He made more of an effort this time with cleaning and tidying even though he actually had less time than before. He said the day didn't go as planned and he had wanted it to be better for me. We didn't get to spend that much time together so at one point I pretty much watched a film by myself while he was doing other things.

A weird thing happened, his phone beeped to say he had a text then he took it out of his pocket and looked at it quickly then put it back. I told him it's always annoyed me when people look at their phones like that when I'm with them (my ex would do it all the time even during intimate moments) because it's like saying you'd rather be somewhere else. He apologised and explained that he didn't mean it to look rude, he only looked because his phone would beep again every few minutes until he looked at it. I told him that I knew someone who always used to do that and it used to really bother me. He again went to explain and then I suddenly realised how this was a completely different situation to the one with my ex. We weren't exactly having an intimate moment, he wasn't my boyfriend and probably never will be. Then I remembered that F used to do this to me years ago and that was one of the reasons it bothered me when I was with my ex. I just thought what right do I have to ask him not to do that so I said sorry. I had these thoughts in my head and they started to upset me so I left the room to get something from the kitchen so I could try to distract myself so I didn't cry. It didn't work and a few tears came out. I then hoped I could get these tears out of my system, recover then go back to the room but it wasn't working, more and more tears came out. F then walked into the kitchen to get something and I tried to subtly keep my back to him so he couldn't see my face. He noticed this and asked if I was trying to keep my back to him and I said yea, he thought he'd done something wrong and I told him he hadn't. He then saw my face and I told him the thing with the phone had got me thinking about when it used to happen and it upset me but that I didn't know why I was actually crying. He offered to hug me but I walked away because it would make me feel worse as I want him like that and having him hug me would just remind me I can't. He kept saying sorry and that he hadn't meant to upset me and I kept telling him he doesn't have to say sorry because he hadn't upset me and he hadn't done anything wrong.

As stupid a reason as it was to cry, in a way I'm glad I was able to cry in front of him without feeling too embarrassed (I don't like crying in front of anyone) and that he could comfort me even though it made me feel a bit sadder because it made me want him more. He was sitting closer to me while I was upset, it would have been easy to lean into him for a cuddle and try to kiss him but I couldn't because I know he doesn't want a relationship and I don't want to ruin what we have now. There were a few moments where I was close to him and it was hard for me because I want more. I thought I was coming round to accepting we will never happen but it just felt like unrequited love today.

It got late and I had to get back home. I asked why he had invited me over because he hadn't told me. He said because I was down on my birthday and because of the way things had been lately and "I missed you". F doesn't normally tell people he misses them so I was surprised he said it out loud. That got me thinking too and I started to feel like I was missing him even though I was still there but I suppose more missing that I can't be with him more and that I was about to leave him. As we said bye I looked at him because I wanted a hug and he opened his arms and we hugged goodbye. It was nice and close. Normally I hug people from far away so just the top half meets but with him our bodies were close and our stomachs met. He's not really a huggy person so I felt special.

When I drove home I thought about how I wanted to be with him and more tears came out until I got home. Then I checked my phone and he'd texted me "I know you said I didn't do anything wrong but I am sorry about the phone thing. Perhaps next time we'll have a better day." which made me feel like crying again! I saw he was online when I got home so I reassured him he hadn't done anything wrong. He said the day still felt like it was a bit crap but that the ending was nice.

He asked if I was surprised he had invited me round and I said yes. He asked why then said "you're difficult and annoying, but I like you, plus if you're comfortable kind of hating me, I should be too". I told him I didn't hate him. He said he can't let me go until he gets better. I told him I wouldn't let him do that anyway and he said he supposed after not speaking for years, then speaking again, probably means we shouldn't throw it away twice. I agreed then we changed subject. I told him my mum had asked if he fancied me when she saw his card for me. He asked what I said to her and I told him that I'd informed her he was just a friend. He then said I should tell her about his hair as that would prevent any further suspicions. I asked how and he said he cannot picture me with a guy with crazy hair. That surprised me because I like mohawks and coloured hair on guys, I find it quite yum. I think I may have to ask if other people cannot see me with guys with crazy hair!

I think sadly that I do genuinely care for him but I don't know if it's real or an illusion. I really like him and want to kiss him and cuddle him but maybe I'm just lonely and getting confused?

Another year older

2010-04-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

I hadn't really spoken to F since that weird text which I chose to ignore. Then he contacted me and asked me to let him know if I received the birthday card he'd sent. I was surprised he'd even bothered or still had my address. I opened it on my birthday and it had lots of quotes on it about happiness and life (he made it himself on moonpig). And he wrote himself that I should take the day to remember how great I am. When my mum spotted the card she asked if he fancied me and I told her he was just a friend.

I am quite the confused bee (I don't know) all over again. I thought I had accepted that I would never be with F and it wasn't the great love story I thought it had been all those years ago and I felt okay with that. But now he's a different person and I just don't get it!

We had a long conversation that night because he wanted to ring me for my birthday as I said I was feeling down. We ended up talking about relationships and he said he doesn't want to be in one so I've got the message there that it's a no go area still. I was feeling down because I've been single for 2 whole years now and I split up with my ex just before my birthday so this was the third birthday in a row without a sniff of a man the whole year through. The last 2 birthdays and new years I've thought next year will be different and that I would have at least had a date but alas no. So this year I saw no point in hoping because it will probably be the same next year.

So that was that...

However I recently spoke to an old school friend who has changed a lot and gets a lot of dates. I asked where she met these men because they are older and wear suits which me likey and she she said she goes to a club in London with friends from her work sometimes and she meets these men there. She said me and my best mates should go with her sometime and she has mentioned it a few times since so I think she was serious. So I'm hoping to go to this place and have a good time. I'm hoping as well that I can become better friends with this girl again so that we can go out more and I can have more of a social life. At school I don't think I would have felt comfortable going out with her on my own but how she was last week I could definitely see it being good.

There's some pictures on facebook of work guy and damn he looks sooo good. I have a night shift coming up with him, I tend to feel frisky on nights so I hope I don't do/say anything untoward. On the bright side, nights also make me feel a bit drunk as in disinhibited so I'd feel more able to talk to him to get to know him better.

I win?

2010-03-26T05:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently I've won an argument or something that I didn't even know was happening...

For the past few months F has been saying that something isn't right between us and I didn't know what he was talking about because nothing seems to have changed but he always disagreed whenever I said that. I thought he meant things had changed since we started speaking again but F said things were okay when we went to the fireworks. F could never tell me exactly what he meant though by things changing, just that things were different.

So the other night we talked about it a bit more properly. F said the atmosphere is different and I ended up agreeing. He asked if I thought our communication was poor and I said it felt like we spoke quite a lot but don't get much from it, like it's superficial. I also said he confuses me and I don't know how to read him sometimes. He didn't know what he did to confuse me and I told him it might be unsaid things. F then said if I wanted to have a go at him even about things in the past I should otherwise things will just linger.

So I asked why he never tried to contact me after we stopped speaking. F said my life seemed better without him. I told him I had missed him and wanted him to have missed me too. He said he had.

I told him I felt he led me on a bit back then. He said he wasn't nice to me or a lot of people and it's not a pattern of behaviour he plans to repeat. I asked if he even had feelings for me back then. F said he must have done on some level but he can't really remember too well as he thinks of the person he was back then as someone else. I said I really liked him back then, probably too much. He said he didn't think I did and that was why he played games because it was what he was used to. I told him he broke my heart on more than one occasion and F said he was surprised I would ever want to speak to him again. I said that was probably why I left it so long. F said if he did regrets he would have a lot in his life and an apology would seem hollow. I said an apology would still be nice, he asked if it would really make a difference and I said if he meant it, it could. F said 'I accept responsibility for it all and I am ashamed of some of my behaviour. I'm not just sorry because I hurt you, I'm sorry because I have to live with my past and even if it feels like it was someone else and my mind has blocked alot of the memories I know that I wasn't a righteous person.'

He was right an apology would seem hollow, especially as it all became about him and his mistakes for various things that had nothing to do with his apology to me. He then went on to say about how the bad things that have happened to him weigh up for the bad things he's done. It was then late so the conversation ended.

It left me with a weird feeling. A mix of relief, annoyance, disappointment and regret. Relief that I could forget about having a relationship with F and could fancy work guy without keeping F as a possibility in the back of my mind. Annoyance and disappointment that I really thought he cared for me back then and he can barely remember. Regret that I've never forgotten my feelings and placed so much importance on him and wasted so much time and energy thinking about him and us. I felt stupid but it meant I could stop wondering and that lifted a weight off my shoulders.

We have spoken since then but superficial conversation.

Then I received a text this morning saying 'you win. I don't believe it's about the past, doesn't explain the change. It is pretty clear you're not gonna tell me so I'll drop it. this was your choice though.'

Huh?

Hmm?

2010-03-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Right so now I'm really confused.

I didn't see the point in asking work guy if he was single after seeing him listed as in a relationship on facebook because it seems weirder to have that and not be with the person you're listed with than to leave your relationship status as blank or single when you're with someone. Yea so I didn't ask and I also didn't want to ask the chatty girl at work if she knew because I didn't want it to get back to him that I'd asked especially if he has a girlfriend!

Anyway... Last week, a guy friend at work who knows about my single status and always asks if I'm still single and if I'm happy about it said something. He sort of knows the situation with F and told me not to chase him and after seeing a pic of F told me I could do better but I was just infatuated (true, hehe!). He said he knew someone who might be interested in me, but turns out it's this older guy who's married and I think it's a joke (I bloody hope so anyway!) but I still made a point of saying no way would I go there. After we spoke about that he turned to me and said 'what about *work crush's name*?' And I just said work crush has a girlfriend. Work friend then joked that I'd already asked him then indicating interest. I said no but I'd seen on facebook and explained what I saw and he seemed to think I might have got it wrong. He asked if I was interested in work friend and I said he was alright, so he agreed to do some subtle digging. And I heard no more about it but I was working different shifts after that.

Then yesterday chatty girl suddenly said to me 'so I hear you like work crush' and I just said what's work friend been saying. She said work friend hadn't said anything, but then admitted that it could have been him who told her. Anyway she was asking about it and I said I thought he had a girlfriend and she said 'no he doesn't, not unless that's changed since I asked'.

So now I am totally confused. I sort of gave him the cold shoulder since thinking he had a girlfriend because I wanted to stop getting close. So I think I confused him as well. He still seems friendly though and makes a point of saying hello and goodbye to me, like directly saying my name, then again I was doing that to him before (minus saying the name but was mainly because I liked him). Earlier I was doing my notes in that private room and he came in and asked if it was okay if he used the phone because he had to make a quick phone call. I was expecting it to be about work but it sounded like he was talking to a friend. So he's okay about being informal around me, some people at work want to be professional all of the time so you don't know how to act. He also seems to mimic my body language all the time, whenever we're in the same room I haven't even looked to see how he's sitting/standing and I'll be doing the exact same thing. For example earlier I felt I had something in my eye so I was touching the corner of my eye (I do this naturally all the time normally) and I noticed he was doing something similar. When I notice stuff like that I get self conscious and alter my body language in case I'm accidently copying them instead of them copying me!

I have a shift with him tomorrow and at the weekend, assuming no-one's swapped shifts, so we'll see how it goes. It may be awkward because chatty girl is working too so she could try to embarrass me maybe but I will have to pretend I don't know what she's talking about.

Okay I'll stop rambling now.

Gutted

2010-02-21T08:52:00.000-08:00

Yep, you guessed it, crush has a girlfriend... Luckily I didn't have to ask. I added him on facebook and thought I'd check what his relationship status was on there before anything else and of course he was listed as in a relationship with someone. Strangely it appears to be a long distance relationship because it said she lived in another country, which could explain why he can work any hours and why she didn't come up in conversation. So that's that gone...

Why do I only seem to feel a spark with unavailable men? I really thought this one was different and I could at least try to get a date.

I'm going to be single forever at this rate...

One more thing

2010-02-18T16:56:00.000-08:00

I think I have been paying less attention to F since my crush developed on guy at work and I think F has noticed. He now seems more interested in me but that's how it was before, he only really wanted me when I pulled away.

For instance, he texted me today saying 'I just want to text you. I can't decide what to say, I just want to know you're still alive'. For starters he knew I was working nights so he wouldn't be hearing from me for a few days and he normally doesn't bother because he uses the fact I'm on nights as an excuse not to contact me. His text seemed to be a bit game play-ie (new word I just invented, shh!) to me so I was tempted to just ignore it and wait to speak to him on msn like he'd normally do to me when I text him. I texted back anyway telling him I was still alive and reminded him I'd been on nights then asked if he was okay. He texted back saying 'yeah I'm okay. Just being weird'. It just feels to me that he doesn't like not getting as much of my attention as he's used to and he's only interested in me now I'm not right there anymore.

I don't know if I'm meant to tell him about my crush or not. If I did I think it would come across that I was trying to make him jealous or he would start acting like an arsehole about it because he likes having me exactly where he wants me.

I forgot how fun it is...

2010-02-18T14:30:00.000-08:00

...to have a crush. You know that little buzz you get when something reminds you of them or you see them and you have a little smile to yourself that you try to suppress so no-one guesses who you have a crush on!

I am quite pathetic when I have a crush, but at least I'm aware of it... I've managed to control myself from stroking his name on the rota, how sad is it that it even crosses my mind to think about doing that?!

We have some things in common and going through similar things at the same time. He may be a few years older but we are at the same experience level career-wise. For that reason we do sort of have a connection. We can moan to each other about when we get told off for making little mistakes at work and pull faces at each other when we're told to do things by our supervisors. At first I thought it was only me that made the faces at him but he's started doing it back to me now too because we're going through the same thing. Even if he has a girlfriend I'm glad there is someone I can talk to at work who will understand what I'm going through and can relate without making me feel useless and like I have no idea what I'm doing. I think it's because we both did the same thing in taking a break for a year or so and we're close in age so have similar limited life experience and perhaps lack some maturity in our work ethic due to our lack of confidence. Everyone else who is at the same level as me is older and act like they know what they're doing all the time so I feel like I can't really confide in them or trust that they won't tell the boss what I'm saying or something. I think I feel a bit better at work now because I don't feel like the only one going through what I am.

I've been on nights this week and they make me a bit crazy. I saw him at the end of my shift (which is morning time obviously) and where I was tired/being an idiot as I was saying bye I was going to say to him 'I'm going to bed now' then I realised how stupid that was because I meant 'I'm going home now' and it would've been weird of me to say directly to him I was going to bed! So then because I managed to realise in time not to say that, I ended up saying 'night' to everyone, then realised and said '...or morning, whatever'. So I still managed to embarrass myself despite my best efforts...

I didn't get to see him in a room alone properly which I was a bit disappointed about. But he did come into the room I was in which was a bit weird. He walked in as he was taking off his jumper, there's nothing in the room I was in that would give him a reason to go in for anything specific and the door was open so he could have easily seen me sitting in there before he walked in. Yet when he walked in half taking off his jumper and I said 'morning' to him, he said 'morning' back like he hadn't expected anyone to be in the room and he walked out again before he'd finished taking off the jumper. I assume he went into the room just to take off his jumper but if he didn't want to take it off in front of anyone he could have gone to the staff toilets and if he didn't want to do it in front of anyone surely he would have checked the room was empty first. Just found it a bit weird because he didn't even finish taking it off whereas if it had been me I would have committed myself to taking it off so it didn't look like I'd walked in for no reason. He did seem slightly embarrassed I caught him doing it which I found funny.

See how pathetic I am with a crush, these tiny, insignificant and meaningless incidents will have me smiling to myself until I next see him! Oh well I'm enjoying feeling like this again, I have missed it and feel it is time to move on.

Doing my head in

2010-02-15T07:38:00.000-08:00

This is why I don't have crushes! I haven't thought about someone this much in a long time, it is doing my head in! I now feel vulnerable and open to having my feelings hurt and rejection and I don't like it. If I can be this obsessed this quick it is not good. I don't even know for sure that he is single so I need to stop thinking about him. Originally the plan was to find out next time we were working together but seeing as I can't him out of my head I may not be able to wait that long. I can ask a colleague if she knows who would have already found out because she asks everyone if they're single or taken but then I open myself up to gossip and rumours. I don't know if I can really put myself out there like that and ask him myself, but it would be better for me to find out from him because it's less embarrassing than asking someone else. If I ask him and he has a girlfriend I can turn it into conversation and ask what she does etc and pretend I was just being friendly and do my best to hide my disappointment. But if he's single I don't know how to react apart from celebrate internally. I can't let myself get too overexcited until I know what his situation is otherwise I'm just setting myself up for a fall and denting my confidence in the men I'm attracted to.

The crush has landed

2010-02-14T19:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, was a bit of a slow starter but I now have a crush. And this crush has taken over my thoughts of F in that I have been thinking of new crush all freaking day!

He's someone who started at work about a month ago. The one who I was told was the same age as me, but in fact on speaking to him he's a few years older, even better! I knew I would fancy this guy if he was remotely attractive due to the shortage of young, attractive men at work. He's kind of geeky looking, but in a cute indie way, does not seem to own any new clothes so has a cute scruffy look about him. He did the eyebrow jump thing the first few times he saw me so he's at least attracted to me on an unconscious level.

I haven't had the chance to work many shifts with him yet because we're both junior staff, but I feel it's gone well when we have. For some reason I don't feel awkward and nervous around him which is unusual for a crush. This either means he's taken already so I don't find him a threat or he's just got a way about him that puts people at ease. Maybe I'm being totally stupid but I get the impression he is single but what do I know with my radar being out of whack lately. Although with those other guys who turned out to be taken I felt nervous and never really had a conversation with them.

Little hints he may be single (before I find out for sure) is that he told me he's recently moved back with his parents, lives about an hour away from work, is currently skint and worked this weekend which could have been requested off. If he had a girlfriend before he started he would now have little time or money to be with her. Just seems like maybe the things he's had to do like move back with his parents and get this job have been decisions that haven't had to include another person. Most guys I've met usually slip in to conversation that they have a girlfriend because they can't help it. From the things we've talked about he hasn't once mentioned one so far.

I have been feeling quite randy recently in that I've been thinking about kissing everyone. And looking at their hands and wondering what they would feel like on my body... And looking at men's crotches, even ones I'm not attracted to...

Crush has full lips, I bet they'd be nice to kiss. When we were fairly close the other day I was wondering what would happen if I just pulled him a bit closer and kissed him.

When we work together our hands have to brush every now and again when we have to pass things over, he doesn't move away in horror which I take to be a good sign. Strangely I don't feel tingles when we touch but it doesn't feel weird either, it feels natural and comfortable. When I was in a room alone with him I felt tingles in a strange place which was weird and new but interesting.

I also had 3 dreams about him last night. It usually takes a while for someone to work their way into my dreams and even then it's usually just one dream at a time. The first dream I found out he was taken and was disappointed. The second he was single so I upped the flirting. The third he wasn't asking me out and I was suggesting he did. The dreams did confuse me because I would wake up from one and just be trying to get my head around it then had another one.

It is quite late now and I should probably go to bed (have been staying up late so I can sleep in later ready for night shifts).

Hmm...

2010-01-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

Hmm...

So me and F had been meaning to have a particular conversation for a while. And we sort of did earlier without meaning to. Whenever I've sort of hinted at anything happening between us, such as ahem... naked twister, he has sort of brushed it off at the time and said it's something we will discuss at a later date. He has been saying every now and again that he's glad I'm in his life in a round about way and that he hopes to be a better friend soon etc. We are due to meet up this week to go see a film and eat some food by the way which we arranged a few weeks ago. I mentioned to him ages ago about body language and the involuntary eyebrow raise people do when they first see someone they're attracted to and that I've seen it happen and felt it happen myself and that it's something we can't control. He didn't believe me at the time and had never noticed it before then.

So when I was speaking to him earlier on msn I sent him some body language links that agreed with me about the eyebrow thing. On the links it also mentioned other body language so he started to talk about that, almost analysing himself for it. One of the signs mentioned babbling when you talk to someone you fancy so he said he thinks he babbles a lot anyway and that he sucks at body language and he thinks he does the eyebrow thing when he sees people he knows.

So I told him again how I have seen and felt the eyebrow thing and that I think it happens more than the first time you see that attractive person because I've seen it from the same people a few times. I then said I now sort of base that as a way of knowing if I have a chance with someone because if they do the eyebrow thing they at least find me attractive on an unconcious level meaning there is potential for further development. I told him I thought the new guy at work could maybe be attracted to me because he'd done the eyebrow thing and babbles when he talks to me (this week I have been working nights and he came in the next morning and asked me if I had been working 'yesterday' when it was obvious which shift I had done so I said 'er... I just did the night shift' and he seemed to act a bit embarrassed because of how obvious that was and just went 'oh right, yea, of course'. And another time he said something weird as well which is sort of babbling).

Then F says to me 'no reading my body language' which I thought was silly to say so I asked him why and he said 'because I don't think I conform to most of it and I don't want you to assume things about me that may be incorrect'. That basically suggests he thinks his body language will make me think he fancies me and he doesn't want me to think that, right?! So then we changed subject and spoke about our plans this week then I brought it back and told him he needn't worry about body language because I think it's mainly applicable to people you've just met or someone you've known a while and they start acting differently such as babbling is normal for him but if it increased or something that would be a change. I said it to reassure him I wasn't going to get the wrong idea and assume he fancied me because of his natural babbling. Then he says he will probably try to consciously control it now so that will make it change. Again in a way to say it doesn't mean I fancy you!

I told him I thought the unconscious reflex actions are much harder to control. So I asked if he wasn't going to talk at all when he saw me because that's sort of the opposite of babbling and pointed out that what he does isn't really babbling because proper babbling is nervous and quick. F then says 'I just think things are strained enough as it is without you feeling anymore arkward around me'. I was like 'strained?' because I didn't think we were and I told him I didn't feel awkward around him. Then I stupidly decided to say 'don't worry F, I know you don't fancy me' because I thought it would stop him telling me in little ways that he didn't and didn't want me to think that he did!

F says 'it's funny how moments like this can make you feel so teenagerish all over again'. I wasn't sure if that was a dig at me being childish or whether it was a general you. I at first read it as a general you so said I thought most people never completely grow out of that stage and that everyone reverts to a teenager every now and again. He then said we should have really waited to have this conversation until after we met up. I thought that was the end of it but he said 'I think I have said a few times every now and again that I think you are pretty neat and that I appreicate having you in my life, the reason we stopped speaking before was far more my fault than yours and I have learnt from that I hope. It kinda seems unfortunate that we had to start speaking again with me in this state as I'm a pretty crappy friend, but once I'm sorted I'm sure I'll be better.' Then a few minutes later he added 'So I'm not saying that I don't fancy or that I do, because it's not important. I am just happy that I know you.'

I had no idea what to say for a while and then I wanted to say that after we stopped speaking last time maybe it would be better if nothing happened but he quickly changed the subject before I had the chance to think of the right way to put it. It then didn't seem appropriate or right to bring up the subject again.

I think a concrete no I don't fancy you would have been better so at least I'd know where I stand. Now it still seems up in the air because he isn't exactly telling me to rule it out completely, the only thing I know he's saying for sure is that now isn't the right time and he isn't in the right place. He's already told me he doesn't think he should think about starting a relationship right now and that was when we were talking in general.

On the bright side he has asked me what I want in a bloke so he can see if he knows anyone that meets the criteria. He came up with one but said he wasn't sure about him which is good because it suggests he would want someone good for me and he wouldn't try to set me up with just anyone. Even if he doesn't want anything to happen between us at least he wants me to be happy with someone else.

It's sad but I feel with F I do need the closure. If he said nothing could ever happen between us, at least I would know I could fully move on without having to wonder. At the moment I feel like I'm not sure what to do because if there is potential guys around I might be missing them or not making the effort because of a maybe with F. I think he is trying to say no but he's not being blunt enough. I know I shouldn't wait around for him or stop anything from happening with anyone else because of him. I should see new guy at work around a bit more next month so I will have the chance to get to know him a bit better. Hmm maybe the reason I think about F so much is because he's the only one around I know with the tiniest bit of potential and it feels safe because nothing is happening. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself, although if I was doing that I wouldn't feel for F at all and let myself cry at the little things he says.

Long phone call

2010-01-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

God I wind myself up sometimes. Over the past week I decided me and F should only be friends as he can't be what I want in a relationship (if he ever felt that way about me). He said some things that reminded why we had problems last time and it put me off so I thought I care for him but I shouldn't be anything more than a friend.

Today he calls me and I answered hesitantly because normally he lets me know if he's going to call as I could be busy/working etc and I don't get that many calls on my mobile so was surprised to see it ring. I answered and he thought I didn't want to talk and was going to leave me alone and I told him to try my home number instead as my mobile signal drops out and the line isn't that clear, so he did. Normally he only rings when something is up and he needs distracting, he agreed with this but said that's a selfish thing to do so didn't want to get into his problems and asked about my Christmas, holiday etc. We spoke for quite a while and the conversation didn't seem to be coming to an end (it never does really, we just witter on about anything) and I was dying for the loo so I had to ask if he still needed to talk or could I call him back. He thought I was trying to get rid of him so I had to explain why I needed to end the call and he was ok with it but said bye so we ended the conversation.

However I dialled to get his number so I could ring him back as the conversation didn't really come to a natural end. And we continued where we left off. I don't even know what we really talk about because it seems to be so varied about anything and everything. It felt like we'd been on the phone for quite a while so I tried to steer it to a natural end and then I realised how long we'd actually been on the phone for (if you include the little break in between). Four hours!! Neither of us realised how long we'd been talking, I couldn't believe I'd been on the phone for that long to one person.

He later said on msn 'thanks for tonight, you are a really good friend to have. I probably don't deserve you but I'm hoping one day soon I will'. Could be interpreted different ways but I think it's better to focus on the friend part as it suggests nothing more. I will be meeting a guy my age at work next week, no idea if he's single or not but it could be interesting. I'm going to keep my options open because I don't know what I want from F anymore. I think I only have the energy to be F's friend anyway.

Wish you were here

2009-12-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

"I've seen your act and I know all the facts I'm still in love with who I wish you were, but it ain't hard to see who you are underneath, I'm still in love with who I wish you were, I wish you were here" - Kate Voegele - Wish you were here

I spoke to him (guy friend, will call him F from now on) today on msn. I texted F yesterday because I hadn't heard from him in a few days and I was worried. In the text I only asked if he was ok and said if he gave me his new address (he hasn't moved recently, I just don't know where he lives since 4 years ago!) I would send him a Christmas card. He gets weird about Christmas though because he doesn't like his family much, so F texted back telling me not to worry about a card. I'm a bit disappointed because I wanted to send F a card, it would've been more for me than him though. I came online and F said 'yay'. I asked why yay and he said he was pleased to see me. We talked for a bit then I decided to ask why he was pleased to see/speak to me. F said that was a hard question and he wasn't sure, he said he was but didn't think about why. Then about ten minutes later, F said he'd had a think about it and said it was probably because in his opinion I'm a good person and he feels pretty lucky to know me. I said good, he should feel that way! We talked a bit more then he said he was going and that he probably wouldn't get to speak to me again before I went on holiday on monday so he wished me a nice break. I said good bye, good night and miss me and F said ok.

I realise I sound about 13 with the talking over msn stuff but it's nice because it reminds me of our old relationship/friendship when we were younger. He says things to me now that he never would have said back then, such as the feeling lucky to know me etc. I don't know if he will ever see me romantically again, I'm not going to wait around for a year like last time. If I meet someone I'll still go for it because there's no point waiting for F to want to be with me again when it probably wouldn't even work out. Damn I'd still like to try though!

Damn that boy can make me cry-e-i-e-i-e-i, it's so outrageous

2009-12-08T05:58:00.000-08:00

I received a text this morning that made me cry. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to convince my guy friend to go to his GP because he appears depressed. He made an appointment last week after we spoke and is now on a course of anti-depressants. I've been at work all week and haven't heard much from him so have been a bit worried about him. It's so difficult because he sometimes says things to me that ring alarm bells such as wanting to go to sleep and not wake up, my suicidal patients say things like that. I have been trying to support him but sometimes it feels so draining when it's what I'm doing all week with my patients as well. At least with my patients I know they're in a safe place, but with him it's harder because I care so much for him and I don't know what he'd do and I feel a bit powerless to stop it from happening no matter how hard I try.

I texted him last night asking how he was and said it felt like we hadn't spoken all week. I get delivery reports on my phone so I know when he receives the text. I got mildly worried last night because I didn't get a report but I know he sometimes goes to bed early and my phone has been playing up lately. I woke up earlier and turned on my phone waiting for a report because then even if I didn't get a reply, at least I knew he was okay. I received the report and a reply from him. What he said made me burst into tears. In the text he said 'one day you will make a guy very happy, you're such a sweetheart'. I cried out of a mixture of relief and not realising how much I cared for him. I felt like telling him I wanted to make him happy and that I love him, but I know that's selfish of me to say. I can't put that on him when he's like this. He needs to focus on himself right now. Saying anything to him would only be for my benefit. He just needs a friend and nothing else. Or maybe he does like me but thinks he's too screwed up right now for me to want to be with him. Either way he's not in the right place.

I realise my posts must get confusing. It would just be so much easier to be with someone uncomplicated.

Quel surprise

2009-12-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

I have been quite contemplative lately thinking about previous relationships since having to see my ex and due to a few songs about. I think it's a good thing I'm still single. I think if I would have met someone before now I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship, still not sure if I am now, and it would've been forced. I feel next to no emotional attachment to my ex or the relationship we had together and I believe I've felt that way for some time. When you're not ready for a relationship, everyone assumes it's because you're not over your ex but that's not always the case. For me and for most people I'd think, it's getting over trusting someone you believed wasn't there to hurt you. You try not to think of what will happen if it ends when you're starting a new relationship. Every time a relationship doesn't work out, I lose a little more faith in them. One of my best friends has had her heart broken twice (in a very similar fashion) but she still managed to maintain her faith that it won't always end that way, she said she even felt a bit of comfort when it happened the second time because she knew what to expect. It must take a lot of courage to start another relationship after those experiences, but she did and I have no idea how she managed it.

Anyway I'm going off track as per usual... The song I can really relate to right now is To Love Again by Alesha Dixon (minus the guy to give me hope!). It makes me cry. I never really cried over my break up when it happened, it was such a confusing mix of emotions at the time I wouldn't have known what I was upset about and I think the death of my grandad certainly made the break up seem insignificant and petty in comparison. I think I've been trying to think about my break up and to make myself cry about the loss of a relationship that I once thought would be forever. I don't miss my ex or our relationship, I miss the companionship and the guaranteed weekend plans and dates to things. It still hurts to realise that although I don't think I really loved my ex, I thought he was in love with me because he would tell me so, but now I see his actions said otherwise. My friends partners want to get involved with my friends family and go with them to occasions to support them. My ex never wanted to do that and while the things he said told me he wanted me to be a permanent fixture in his life, his actions of wanting to keep me separate from his friends and family strongly suggested he didn't. I still feel mildly angry with myself for letting him get away with that! I've always imagined boyfriends to get on with my family and friends or to at least make a serious effort with them, you should want to do that if you love someone. I always want to do that, even though I'm terrified of meeting the parents, fearing their opinion of me will affect their son's.

I have moaned before about not having had any romantic involvement with men since my break up but I'm going to admit I know that's all down to me. I'm not ready for a relationship because I haven't met someone I want to let the walls down for. I haven't been on any dates because I haven't let anyone in and have given them the cold shoulder to push them away and avoid the risk of hurt. I've made excuses for approaching anyone I've found attractive and only been able to be really attracted to those who are unavailable because I know it's safe. I know I will get past this and there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way. I cannot expect any man to fight past my hostility in order to get to my heart. The walls will come down by themselves when I am ready or when I meet someone I want to let in.

And I'm thinking of positive reasons to be single. For starters I don't have to worry about finding them a special gift for Christmas and worrying if it's too special or not special enough for what they'd be getting me and how it would make their gift for me look. I don't have to be a horrible cliche of being a couple holding hands and walking slowly while Christmas shopping and generally getting in the way of everyone else (well there's always one about isn't there?!). I shave my legs when I want to and it feels so much better to let them grow a bit and then reveal silky smooth legs so I get to appreciate them again. I don't have to mess around spending time with them on my days off when I'm too tired to do anything for myself let alone anyone else! I don't have to consider another person in my decision making (if I want to start a French course, I don't have to consider the time I won't get to spend with someone for the nights it takes me away). Guilt free perving on attractive men!

I'm going to try my hardest to stop thinking I should be with someone. I don't need to be in a relationship, it's not the be all and end all.

Ok I'll shut up now (I do actually want to do that French course by the way, I have plans to refresh my French, become fluent and move to Canada where said language would be tres useful).

The bitch that broke his heart?

2009-11-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

Well I had my graduation ceremony yesterday. I actually qualified last year but my uni is weird and so we had to graduate a year later. It was a bit of a disappointment. I was hoping the people on my course would want to do group photos or go for a drink after seeing as we haven't seen in each other in almost a year but they all went off with their families as soon as the ceremony finished. I had to see my ex as well and it was a bit awkward as we were sitting next to each other in the seating order. He stank of smoke where he started smoking again after we broke up, no doubt his mother blames me for that because it's never her precious spoiled son's fault!

After the ceremony finished and I was looking for my family, someone said hello to me and I looked at them and realised it was my ex's dad with my ex and his mum. His dad just spoke to me briefly about where I was working now and wished me luck in the future which was nice of him. While he was talking to me, my ex and his mum just stood there awkwardly ignoring me so I get the feeling his mum may just think of me as a bitch who broke her son's heart. It would not surprise me in the least if she did think that because he is the type of guy who would say bull shit things about me to stop his family from asking about it! My parents reaction to seeing my ex was quite funny from what they told me, they saw him and my ex nodded and my mum said 'oh that's whatshisface'. He clearly made that much of an impression on my mum after we were together for over 2 years for her to blank on his name!

Oh well at least I didn't trip on the stage!

I do

2009-11-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

Well I believe I do actually like him but I feel I shouldn't. He is annoying because he's so confusing and it always feels like he's holding something back. I wish he was like a normal person but I probably wouldn't like him half as much if he was. I've always liked things that are weird and unusual and always invested more into unrequited love than requited. It probably stems from low self esteem and the whole not being good enough to be loved or something, at least I would believe that if it weren't for the fact I love a challenge.

Anyway back to him, he is confusing me. I get the feeling he likes me but I can't be sure. The things he says and the way he reacts, but maybe I'm just reading too much into it. He said 'sleep well bug' last night so I asked what he meant by bug. He said it was short for bed bug and he thought it could be a cute nickname for me. Am I wrong or is that an odd nickname to call a platonic friend when you've likened it to being a cute nickname? I teased him and said that means he thinks about me in bed (as a way to gauge his feelings for me, if any) and he didn't confirm nor deny, just said 'well you are going to bed'. I gave him a nickname after that because he'd been annoying and when he signed into msn earlier he had the nickname as his screen name. I asked if that was for my benefit and he said yes.

Maybe I'm just being stupid but it's tiny little things like that that make me think he likes me a little more than just a friend. I don't know how he is with his other female friends. I just remember it was a slow builder before and little things like that so I don't know if he's always like that or not. He is a conundrum.

Once again am I lonely or do I genuinely like him?

2009-11-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

I do like to confuse myself and probably everyone else too. I posted yesterday that I should forget about my guy friend who I almost got together with all those years ago. He does annoy me at times too but I always forgive him for it and accept that's just part of his insane personality. So when I met up with him yesterday I felt almost a bit mad at him but after spending time with him I forget it completely. We had to cross a few busy roads and as he's going to cross he reaches his hand out behind him towards me each time but never actually grabs my hand. I was always too far away for him to be able to reach me so I don't know what would have happened if I had actually been close enough. I think he was just doing it from a safety point of view and I said 'aww you're acting like a dad' and then he told me his boss suggested he be the health and safety officer for his office. I doubt he was actually reaching out for me, it was probably just a we'll cross the road now it's safe sort of gesture. Each time I saw his hand I was hesitant because even though I do like him I wouldn't want to go to hold his hand and have him turn round to say 'what are you doing, I only meant follow me'. Also if he doesn't like me, holding hands with a girl could just be a friendly thing for him. So basically either way I look at it I am facing rejection. And if I did go to hold his hand I wouldn't know when to let it go without it seeming weird. And the other thing is I wasn't feeling well so didn't want to get too close. I sound like a bloody teenager!

When we got to the fireworks I was thirsty, what with having to breathe through my mouth because of my blocked nose. We were having a look around and I was trying to see if they were selling bottles of water but it didn't look like they were. He asked if I was getting anything and I told him I was trying to see if they had water. He then produced a bottle of water from his bag and told me I could have that if I wanted. I pointed out to him that if I drank from it he wouldn't be able to or he'd catch what I had and he said that was ok I could have all of it as long as I gave the bottle back because he was reusing them. I was thirsty but I didn't want to drink that much and said I'd feel bad if I had any because he'd brought it with him. I only really had a sip in the end (because I always need to wee more often when I'm ill and did not fancy trying out the portable toilets) which did make me feel bad. After I'd had some I said the only trouble is now I'd have to carry it all night and he said I could put it back in his bag. My ex would never do that, he was always of the mind that once it's yours you have to carry it so he would've made me carry around that bottle all night! I think that's where I get confused, I don't understand guys being nice to me even though it's a gentlemanly act rather than an act out of affection. My ex wasn't really that nice to me so I find it a nice surprise whenever someone does something my ex wouldn't!

After the fireworks had finished I asked him what was his favourite kind of firework, he didn't really tell me in the end. I told him I go to firework displays for research purposes because I pick out the ones I like because I'd like fireworks at my wedding (but only ones me and the groom like, not the boring ones). I said that because he's a guy he probably doesn't imagine getting married or what his wedding would be like. He said no but then told me the places he'd picture himself getting married and then said he didn't know why he'd said he hadn't thought about it when obviously he had to have that answer!

He was getting the train back so we walked back towards the train station then as we got closer I asked if he was going to go home and if he wanted to say bye there as my car was parked in the other direction. He said ok so I thought he meant we say bye there and then he started to walk towards where my car was parked. We got to my car and I thought we would just say bye and he'd go straight away but he waited for me to drive off, he said it was to make sure I got out ok. Before I got in my car and we said bye I said we never hug so I opened my arms and gave him a hug and he hugged me back. It was nice (I sound like a school girl again!). He told me he would probably be online when he got back, not necessary to tell me but I suppose maybe a way of telling me he would talk to me if I was online at the same time.

When I got home he was online so we talked for a while. I thanked him for coming to the fireworks with me and he apologised that I had to go with him and that it's probably not how I'm used to seeing them. I told him I'd only been to these particular fireworks a few times before so wasn't really used to or expecting to see them in a particular way or with a particular person and that I was glad he'd gone with me. He sent me a picture of what he'd described his wedding to be like and I said 'aww you even have a picture, no you haven't thought about it at all ;)'. He said he'd only looked it up then and was just showing me as an example. A bit later he said when he has sorted himself out I could come over and see his place and watch a non scary film. He said he would say he'd cook for me but he doubted I would eat it anyway. True as I am a fussy eater so I said we could order a takeaway! I said I was glad he said a non scary film and he said he bet I was. He knows I hate scary films and avoid them like the plague, but before he always used to try to make me watch them! He told me a while ago that he doesn't invite that many people round to his place so him saying that makes me feel a bit special being part of the select few! Also when we used to watch films in his bedroom when we were teenagers we used to cuddle so makes me wonder if it's entirely platonic. From an outsiders point of view it sounds almost romantic what with the film and the sort of offer to cook but I honestly don't know how he sees me and I don't want to ask him!

Even though I felt ill last night I still thought about wanting to kiss him. Wow I'm tragic, I always want what I can't have.

I'm a bit afraid to tell him how I think I feel in case a) he doesn't like me back and b) I only like him because I'm lonely.

I have rambled on for long enough so I will shut up now.

Danni Minogue is right

2009-11-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to play badminton yesterday because when he tried to book a court they said they're in use for something over the next few days. I suggested we go bowling instead but he said he didn't think bowling really worked with 2 people as it's more of a group thing. Ok bowling can be more fun in a group but it does work with 2 people and I was thinking along the lines of it still being a game you play against another person... Then I thought of shopping and eating but he didn't seem keen on that either so we didn't meet up yesterday and kept the plans for tonight instead.

Turns out it was a good thing that yesterday was cancelled because I didn't feel too great. Don't feel 100% today either but I'll still go out because I rarely let illness phase me! Plus as far as I'm concerned it's an artificial cold caused by my flu jabs the other day so I know it's not going to last like a normal flu/cold. Just feels like the end of the flu/cold so I'm hoping it will be gone very soon.

So I'm still going to the fireworks tonight, I'm quite happy about it because I like fireworks and I'd be a bit annoyed if I didn't do anything on my days off as they're quite rare. I'm so glad we're finally in November, I have annual leave to look forward to at the end of the month and the next month I have time off again to go to New York (yay) and in January I have another week off. Work isn't too bad now but for a while it was hectic all the time and I couldn't wait to get to November because I would have a week off each month for a few months. I'm on nights again this week which is also like a break in itself because the patients are mostly asleep and there's not much to do so it's generally more relaxing, unless there's a very unwell patient admitted during the night who then wakes everyone up...

Anyway about the title of this post... I caught the repeat of the Piers Morgan Danni Minogue interview the other night. She was talking about her failed marriage with Julian McMahon and she said when something like that happens it makes you question your instincts. I think it put how I feel into words and I think she's right. When you break up with someone you wonder why you didn't spot it from the beginning that it would end up like that.

With my ex when we first met I actually felt scared because I thought he was the one, he soon turned out to clearly not be 'the one'. We said we loved each other when we'd been together less than a month because we felt it. My love faded though and his continued. Why was that you may ask? Simply because I was myself from the beginning so I was always the person he'd said 'I love you' to, whereas he was someone different. I fell in love with the person I met, the person he was pretending to be, kind, considerate, passionate, but after a few more weeks I saw the real him starting to come through. And bit by bit his selfishness chipped away at the love I first had for him. We were together for over 2 years but I had doubt within the first 3 months, it's complicated why I stayed with him for so long when I didn't feel in love with him. I think I was hoping my feelings would change or that he would change back into the person I met even though I always knew nothing would change. We were best friends inside the relationship and I didn't want to hurt him as well.

I do feel a bit stupid for wasting so much of my time on him. I wish I had split up with him as soon as I had my doubts. It's almost the opposite of what Danni said because I had the instinct it was wrong and ignored it but where was the instinct from the very beginning telling me he wasn't who he was pretending to be?! It does put me off future relationships because I feel like everyone is going to be putting on an act to draw someone in and once they have them, they will reveal their true colours. I want someone who is themselves from the beginning. That's the benefit of being friends first but even then people act differently in relationships.

It's so much easier to not care and not risk getting hurt. I think there will have to be someone really special come along before I can ignore the part of me that is trying to protect me from getting hurt again.

Although I do like the friend I'm meeting up with tonight, I don't know if it's really worth getting hurt all over again because he hurt me so many times last time. I don't want to be hanging on for him to make me his girlfriend like I was 4/5 years ago. I don't want him messing me around again. I think I'm kidding myself thinking he was/is the great love of my life and I was/am his. If he really wanted to be with me back then he only had to say because he knew how much I wanted him! I thought this time things would be different if we developed feelings for each other again but I think he only sees me a friend and that's what we're meant to be. I'm not ruling it out but I know if anything did happen it would be a mistake and never work out because of how he is. He's not the kind of person I say myself ending up with but he is the only one to really get under my skin.

All I can hope for is that this new guy at work starts soon and I can get to know him, if he has a girlfriend, he might have friends... And if he is single with us working together I get to know him gradually. I'm going to have to develop my roving eye again, it's disappeared lately. If I can find a worthy crush I can stop developing feelings for my friend.

Back the instincts thing. My instincts are currently wrong because I keep thinking taken guys are single. I should know better than that because whenever I feel comfortable around a guy it's because they have a girlfriend and I know there's nothing to worry about! The single ones are threatening and send me running to the hills. Must tune up instincts. Maybe I should get a self help book on relationships or would that just make me a bit of a loser...

la la la la la

2009-10-31T16:32:00.000-07:00

Hmm well I'm playing badminton next week with my friend type guy. He told me his ex-girlfriend told him she was now in a relationship. I thought that was a bit weird of her to tell him seeing as they broke up about 5 years ago. They remained friends though and she is his best friend actually, which made it stranger for him to refer to her as his ex. I take it to be a positive thing though.

I sometimes feel like I manipulate him into making plans with me by dropping hints that I have things I want to do and no-one to do it with! Well that's how it's worked out before now. I don't ask him directly in case he makes excuses and says no! It makes me feel better when he invites himself along. However with the badminton plans, that was all his doing. He suggested we do something. It was good because we haven't seen each other since August bank holiday. He has book the day off work to do it as well which is nice because it shows more of an effort.

Tonight I decided to investigate if he likes fireworks because I want to go to a display next weekend. I used to go with my ex so felt like I've missed out being single. I told him (friend not ex) about the display I normally go to and that I didn't want to go on my own. I then went on to say how I always thought of it as a coupley activity and how this seems to be proven given that my friends go to those sorts of things with their blokes. Due to me calling it a couple activity he said he was going to offer to go with me but that made him not so sure. Probably because he didn't want me to get the wrong idea. Then he said we might as well go as I will need cheering up after he beats me at badminton (we're playing badminton the day before). That of course led to banter over who's going to beat who! Then he asked if we were going to the fireworks and I said if he wanted to (I didn't want him to go if he felt sorry for me having no-one else to go with!). Then he said he had no plans, he quite likes fireworks and he thinks I'm pretty cool so yes he wants to. So we shall also be seeing fireworks :)

He's been having some problems lately and I gave him some advice a few days ago. He told me he has followed through with the advice and taking positive steps to help his problems. Makes me feel like a good nurse if I can use my nursing skills to help friends.

There's meant to be a young guy starting at work soon. Apparently he's the same age as me, I'll have to find out when his birthday is so I know if I'm still the youngest one working on the ward. At least I shouldn't be the only nurse hearing the line 'I don't have to listen to you, I'm twice your age' from patients anymore! Despite us having never met, some staff have already paired us off. They were seeing if our first names went together as a couple and they said it did. Then they gave me his last name to see if we got married I could take his name! I laughed and told them they were getting ahead of themselves. They did hint that they will be teasing me about it though because they said 'it's gonna start isn't it'.

One of my best friends is getting married next year and she's telling me to book a hotel now. I wanted to share with my other best friend but she's a bit obsessed with her boyfriend and probably doesn't want to share a room. But the rooms sleep up to 4 people and I think it would be a bit unfair of her to expect me to pay for a whole room to myself when there was a possibility of sharing and it will cut down the price! I've also been told that if I have a boyfriend by the wedding he can come as well. I doubt I will but you never know what's around the corner. Even if me and my guy friend got together he wouldn't go to the wedding because he's quite anti-social and didn't like my best friend when we were at school.

Ho hum pig's bum!

In which I am totally clueless

2009-10-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Damn it! I appear to be totally clueless when it comes to man. Any guy I find attractive who I think might be the tiniest bit interested in me because of the way they're acting around me, I later found out they're in stable relationships! I am going to be single forever if I can't even find myself fancying single guys! The closest I came to being asked out on a date and he's taken. I keep trying to throw myself at my guy friend and inviting him to play naked twister with me. Well at least I know he was interested in me at some point, even if it was 4 years ago. I still feel an attraction so maybe he does too. He could at least be a bit curious over the fact he never got to properly kiss me or even see me naked! Trouble is I can't tell if he appreciates the attention or not. He knows my situation so he could just think I'm feeling desperate and that's why I'm acting this way. His lips looked so damn kissable last time I saw them. Also I don't know if he's rejecting me or just not sure how to react. Sometimes he seems like he enjoys it and almost appears to flirt. When I asked him about naked twister he said that's a conversation we should have when I'm sober. I did tell him I wasn't drunk when I said it though. I'm embarrassing myself I know but I can't help it and I don't know why.

Well I best get ready for work. Night shifts... oh joy!

Being attracted to someone you shouldn't

2009-10-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yes that up your arse guy is still a complete twat. And he smokes skanky studenty roll ups despite being an adult! He's not even particularly attractive either. When he comes on the ward and he comes into meetings he sits so close, like unnecessarily so! There were loads of empty chairs in the room and the person who had been there previously sat one chair over, but he sat right next to me, he did it last time too. I reckon it's because it's near the drinks although when he was offered a drink he didn't want one. Strange. Whenever he's in the meetings he usually leans over and whispers something like we're in on something together but I have no idea what he's going on about! He's a strange one. Yet I hope to see him again, what is wrong with me. I know he was messing around last time but I was still wondering if he was going to mention something again. Ridiculous seeing as I wouldn't even want to go out on a date with him. It would just be nice to be asked. God I need a date!

You know, I do actually have a pattern of thinking blokes are twats only to later realise I am in fact quite attracted to them... That mainly used to happen when I was in a relationship and saw my attraction as a threat though...

About that crush before..

2009-10-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

Sadly discovered he has a girlfriend and a baby so my radar is way off!

I attract 2 kinds of men

2009-10-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

Sadly the title of this blog appears to be true. I always knew I attracted a certain sort, my school days made that evident. When I was younger it was always the same sort of boys who fancied me, kind of geeky but not in an intellectual way, in the way horrible school kids tease other kids because they're not as popular as the others and aren't that good at PE, oh and they used to wear glasses (hmm bad eyesight, what does that say about me!). I think they liked me because I seemed safe and approachable while still being attractive enough for them to want to go out with me and get to know me better. At school I didn't mind the attention and I used to give these guys a chance because they could turn out to be really great guys.

However my ex was a bit like that and he didn't turn out to be that great and neither did any of the guys at school... Now I'm older I still attract these guys and I don't have a problem with it, but they usually seem like the delicate sort who would be crushed if I (or any girl they asked before I sound conceited) wouldn't go out with them on a date so I try to be friendly without leading them on if I don't feel attracted to them.

Then there's this other sort that seems to have cropped up recently. The 'I love myself so much and you should be grateful I even speak to you' creep type. The kind who will obviously look you up and down in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and objectified (nice sometimes, creepy at others). There's a guy who pops into work sometimes and everyone thinks he's a knob and overcompensating. He is attractive and he knows it which then makes him a darn sight less attractive because he's way overconfident with it. He made a comment the other day to a colleague about how he can hypnotise people and he does it in his spare time. My colleague suggested he try to hypnotise me into being louder as I'm quite shy, then he said 'no I couldn't do that, I could hypnotise her into having dinner with me'. I kind of ignored it because I had my back turned to him while I was busy doing something anyway. And then he said to my colleague that he's sure she could let me have the rest of my shift off so he could take me to dinner and she laughed. Then I stupidly turned around and explained to her I have time owing which made it sound like I wanted to go to dinner with him! In reality I was thinking ooh early finish and ooh dinner I'm hungry! The way he said it sounded like he thought every woman in the world wants to have dinner with him and that he wouldn't have to ask and also hello hypnotise someone into a date... creepy... Sadly my talk of time owing made him believe he is god's gift still. Soon after he had to leave and my colleague made me laugh saying he loves himself and probably has a small dick because of the flash car he drives!

Strangely I must admit that while I am appalled by him, I am also intrigued and thinking it's been forever since I had any man action and a date would be nice... Not that he was even serious or would ever ask me seriously. It has got me thinking though, is it so wrong to go on a date with a guy you don't even like just for the sake of going on an actual date?

Sh*te day

2009-09-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well I say shite day when I mean shite week! Work is busy busy busy, there's so much paperwork to do on top of the daily duties that I'm finding it hard to fit it all in.

My crush situation is rubbish. Last night I had decided I would try to talk to him but I didn't have the time to even really get a look today. He's almost done working with us now and I'm not working when he is and when I am he'll probably be finished so I will have missed my chance. Realistically the fact I chicken out of initiating conversation with him suggests I would never have had a chance. I wish men were mind readers or that I was a mind reader. I wish I had the guts to go up to a guy and give him my number, believe me I was tempted to ask his colleague if he knew if my crush was single. He's probably not even that attractive, it's just been a long time. You only regret the things you didn't do. Not that it really matters seeing as I don't have time for a boyfriend right now, would just be nice to have a bit of sex, I think that could help with the stress!! Oh how I miss physical contact with a man (and not just the sexual kind)!

Crush

2009-09-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Oh dear about a month since I last posted! The job is going fine, I'm quite settled, still feel like I don't know what I'm doing sometimes but I'm getting better at faking it to be professional! It's been really busy lately so much so I've barely had time to breathe. It's made me not want to go in as much but then I worked at the weekend and it was quiet so I felt better about going in again this week. It was busy again however I feel okay about going in tomorrow... because I've got a crush on a guy who's doing some work for the ward.

He looks a bit like Eric Mabius and he's about 28 so I've heard. Anyway he gives me a reason to want to go into work! He always has a cute little smile on his face so we always do a sort of half smile to each other. I think he might like me too or at least find me attractive because he's tried to talk to me a few times before and his eyebrows always jump up when he sees me (an unconscious/involuntary action that happens whenever you see someone you find attractive). Today when he was working he lifted his shirt up to show his work mate something so I got to see his chest, mmm not bad, it wasn't toned but it wasn't horrible and let's face it when you've been single for as long as I have, that is very attractive. Only problem is I now know what he kind of looks like semi-naked so I keep thinking about him. He was just putting his shirt down as I walked past and he looked at me and I sort of smiled (well tried not to because I was thrilled to see more ha!) and had the same sort of smile on he always does. I think he's just a friendly sort of guy. I want to get to know him more but I don't know how to, especially as I'm usually too busy on the ward to really be able to pay attention to him. I think he may have been looking at me earlier (well either that or checking to see if the sign next to my bum was wonky!), I had my back to him as I stood in a doorway to talk to a patient and when I turned around he was standing on the other side of the ward looking in my direction and when I looked at him he looked away and then someone I work with looked at me and looked back at him and back at me in a sort of seeing what he was looking at way. I wish I wasn't so shy and didn't turn into an idiot when I'm around someone I find attractive! Damn it now I'm thinking about his chest again and imagining kissing it! Oh dear it's been too long!!

Edit: Forgot to add about my male friend. I met up with him a few weeks ago and although he looked good, he reminded me of how much he used to let me down back then so I think it's safer to keep well away from any romantic ideas with that one. We still talk quite often but he seems quite mixed up, I think he's depressed but he doesn't like to tell me much because he thinks I have to deal with enough of other people's problems at work. I have told him that if he ever needs to talk I'm here. I'm usually pretty open with him but I don't think I could tell him about my crush. I don't know how my friend feels, I think he's maybe a bit confused too.

First post

2009-08-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Well what can I say, this is my first post. I am a 23 year old newly qualified mental health nurse and I start my nursing career tomorrow. Scary. I doubt anyone will actually read this blog but I've decided to leave it open for the world to see.

I've recently got back in contact with an old friend. An old male friend who I had strong feelings for before we lost contact. I think those feelings are coming back again when they shouldn't. I feel like I want to see him but I'm afraid to. I was out with my friends earlier this week and after a few drinks I texted him and I had to resist the urge to call him by a pet name (although I did call him Mr!) and to put a 'x' on the end (he knows me well enough to know that I only do that with guys I really care about). I don't know whether I genuinely have a renewed crush on him or if it was the drink. He texted me back and it seemed a little flirty in that he said it was weird as he was just thinking about me and he called me 'nursey' (a name he has never called me before).

I've had a few dreams recently about this friend too. It's strange because I feel close to him again as though we haven't been estranged for a few years, but it feels like I'm holding back because I can't say what I really want to say. I think I loved him back then but what good would it do him now to know that?! I feel like I like him again but if I let him know and he doesn't feel that way too I'll feel stupid and like I can't talk to him as much. I think I should just continue as I am with our little chats on msn and see how it goes. He used to like me so I know the potential for him to like me again is there. Sometimes it seems like he does like me and at other times I think he's just being friendly. I've thought about him for years and I've never forgotten about him and regret not being with him when I had the chance. I don't want to get my hopes up though because I doubt we'll happen. We'll be friends for now but at least it means he remains in my life. I missed him so much and I'm glad we're in contact again.